by: Susan Lamonica
When chaos started to crush me, I shut the front door, the back door, and said “no”. No I can’t have dinner, no it’s not convenient for you to visit, no, it’s not a good time. No, to bad-news mail and messages. At first, relief, an insulated feel, hiding in “no”. But, insulation became isolation. Isolation turned lonely. My days were tedious. I began to bore myself. Boredom gave way to tired; tired led to lethargy. I did not understand that the chaos fed itself with every “no”. The chaos grew, I shrank and became small. The worst was that chaos had burned the bridge to the world outside. Saying “no” was no longer a choice. Chaos never, ever let me say yes.
I didn’t know how to rebuild the bridge to “yes”. Flylady taught me that any “yes” to loving myself is a firm “no” to Chaos. The night I found Flylady, cleaning the sink was my first small cry of “yes”. Each babystep, a whispered “yes”. Yes, I will get dressed. Yes, I will set the timer. Yes, I will. Every yes built another plank in the bridge to the world.
When I finally had enough “yes” to reach the front door, I hesitated. For there were still places, in my home, finances, my heart, where chaos thrived. I remained inadequate, imperfect. Could I say yes? Was I ready? And there it was – the root of my chaos exposed. I wanted “perfect” of myself…and I also wanted it of others and the world. I understood that this is the whole of FLYING – to allow the imperfect while giving myself “yes”. Shine the sink. Open the door. Breathe. An imperfect me baby-stepping into an imperfect world. Yes.