When internal chaos floods my life, I make lists of issues I want to resolve.
I list unproductive behavior I can’t seem to improve. The procrastination, disorganization, eating poorly; all the ways I do not take care of myself. I list problems too big to manage. The relationship, debt, health, over-due promises; all the situations that paralyze me with indecision and anxiety. Then I try to prioritize the problems and decide how to “fix” all that is wrong with me, with my life.
These ugly lists never resolve my internal chaos. These ugly lists only make me cry.
FlyLady says clutter causes chaos and clutter can’t be organized. I believe this is true of internal clutter, too.
A broken shoe can’t be worn. A broken heart can’t love.
Mental clutter, emotional clutter, and sentimental-memory clutter – this is my internal chaos. Restless anxiety takes away sleep. Indecision is the turmoil of perfection. Balled-up knots of anger stifle forgiveness. Unmet promises to myself range from disappointment to disgust. Grief anchors me to the past. I don’t know how to stop wanting what I lost. The only empty space, in this internal clutter, is the hole that God abandoned.
Internal chaos frustrates easily, brims with tears, and has no patience. Nothing new fits. Not a new friendship, project, idea or dream – nothing new can happen inside. I am so overwhelmed, trying to organize overflowing chaos. There is not even room for love.
Ending the pain of any chaos is never about organizing. It is always about releasing. It is always about accepting release as a process.
On the path to peace, the smallest baby-step is enough. Crying can release sadness. A walk can loosen an anchor. Gratitude can bring the God Breeze to the empty hole. Every baby-step is a release. I toss the long list of problems. I smile. For this one moment, I FLY.
Susan M. Lamonica