The Crotchety Watch

Crotchety WatchOne of my New Year’s Resolutions was to quit complaining and judging in 2014. But that was over two months ago and although I’ve cut way back, I’m not very proud of myself, especially because of what happened to me today; I had a wake-up call from CW (Crotchety Watch). It’s sort of a software program installed in my mind (upon request in prayer) on New Year’s Eve. It stands guard, monitoring my thoughts and although it doesn’t censor what comes out of my mouth, it sends a communiqué (and a small electric shock) which is supposed to train me to be aware of my thoughts and ultimately be nicer. Perhaps after today I should ask for the Deluxe Crotchety Watch which actually stops tetchy talk from leaving my lips.

I’m not sure what happened today, if it’s my age or that I’m just recovered from a mean virus or because the weather’s so unpredictable this time of year. BLEEP! Damn, Crotchety Watch just caught that complaint about the weather. (Maybe I shouldn’t have adjusted the sensitivity level feature since the mishap today.) Oy vey. Anyway, here’s what happened today.

See there’s a bank I hate, BLEEP! but still have to go to because I have one last account I haven’t switched over to my new bank. (I’ve got too many checks left that I want to use.) I won’t tell you the name of the bank, but you’d know it if I did. Let’s just say it’s a bank in America. Anyway, I went into the place with a subconscious chip on my shoulder to deposit a check into my House Fairy Inc. checking account.

The teller was a very young, beautiful girl, but with limited skills in social communication. BLEEP! (That is NOT a judgment, that’s the truth, damn it!)BLEEP! She smiled sweetly and took my paperwork. I’m sure I didn’t smile back. As she looked at the deposit slip with House Fairy Inc. printed on the top and the check from the State of Washington, made out to House Fairy Inc. she said with a nervous little chuckle, “This looks like a business account.”

I replied, “Well, since my first name isn’t House and my last name’s not Fairy, and the last time I checked, the initials INC stand for incorporated, yeah, I’d say it’s a business account.” BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!

Aware of her stupid comment, BLEEP! and ruffled by my cruel remark, she self-consciously uttered an uneasy laugh as she proceeded with the transaction. When all the stamping, running each piece of paper through a magic machine and initialing was done, she handed me my receipt, smiled and said in a trained cordial voice, “Thank you, have a nice day.” I grabbed the receipt and said, “Thanks.” You need to know, I NEVER say “thanks.” I always put you with it. But there I was, saying “thanks” and huffing out the door feeling like one of those grouchy old Muppet men.

I got as far as my car when CW came at me with back-up. My conscience doesn’t have a name like Jiminy Cricket, but its voice sure sounds just like my mom’s. How dare CW bring Mom into this! BLEEP!  

“Pam, shame on you! That little girl is young and probably new at her job and she was very sweet to you. She was nervous and when she saw House Fairy on the check and the deposit slip, she was curious, but didn’t have the nerve to ask you who the House Fairy is. You were mean to her and just because you hate the bank that’s in America, that’s no excuse to treat the people who work there like they’ve done something wrong. In fact, Pamela Irene Young, you should feel sorry for her that she has to work for such a terrible company. BLEEP! Now you just march yourself right back in there and apologize to her for how you acted. And in the future Missy, whenever you interact with people, do NOT hold it against them if they work for a company in which you don’t approve.”

So to get CW and my mom off my back, I went back into the bank to apologize to the teller. I’m not sure what she thought, in fact she had terror in her eyes when she saw me coming in and probably wished she could pawn me off on a co-teller.

I told her how sorry I was for being so nasty and she accepted my apology in a rather guarded way. I’m not sure she felt better, but I sure did, and I really am going to be nice the next time I have to bank at that bank in America. BLEEP! (Hey, I must have the upgraded Deluxe Crotchety Watch! That bleep was just for the thought I thought about that bank when I wrote that last sentence.) “Ask and it shall be given.”

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For more of Pam’s essays and videos please visit her website here!

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