Whoa Mama! Nelly (my inner child) has control of the keyboard for this blog! Look out! She’s wild!!! WARNING, this blog could make you hungry, but it could help you lose weight.
Pam just spent a week in Seattle taking care of her son’s monkeys. That’s what they call the kids; Brooklyn 16 and Jackson 14. She was so excited to get to play with them! Except Brooklyn had finals all week and spent most of her time in her room studying, or at the library studying, or at her girlfriend’s house STUDYING and she couldn’t play with her very much. But Jackie and she played Gin Rummy a lot and they got to talk like two grown-ups when he wasn’t at school (I just listened in).
But here’s the part you’ve gotta know: the monkey’s house was loaded with carbs!!! Oh there was lots of healthy food too, like fresh berries, broccoli, romaine, tomatoes, bacon, eggs, milk, avocado and yogurt (full fat Greek), but the carb section was impressive to me.
The first sign was before Michael and Meredith left for Sundance, some big deal film festival in Utah. Their new kitty got into the pantry and I heard Michael yell, “No. no, get out of there, those fish are not for you!” And I thought, ‘Fish? Huh? Cats and fish just go together like peanut butter and jelly or cheese and crackers, or pie and ice cream.’ Would you look at what I just wrote!!! Combinations of carbs! That’s all that was on my mind in Seattle and all that’s been on my mind since I got back home today!
Anyway, the fish Michael was talking about were Goldfish. Those yummy little GOLD FISH CRACKERS! Pam loves those little treats! And she’s been known to eat handfuls of them in our carbohydrate days. She made a mental note to check out the pantry when the parents left.
The pantry was stocked with scrumptious packages of every chip, cracker, snack or treat you can think of! Pretzels (check), potato chips (check), Cheese Its (check), some puffed up potato snacks that were like cheese puffs but were made out of potato, ten different kinds of crackers, cereals, bread sticks, bread, English muffins, nuts and candy (check, check, check). Oh and Goldfish! Pam was in Carbohydrate Heaven!
She’s got this motto: “If you don’t buy it you can’t eat it.” Wow is that ever true. At our house there’s not a bad carb in the house to tempt us. But when it was there and paid for, those little carbohydrates were like the seagulls in Nemo and they never shut up the whole time we were there. “Mine, mine, mine.” And so they were! Of course she started with the Goldfish. She ate about a cup of them (I think). Now she was mad at herself and felt icky because carbs are really not good for you and they make your stomach feel like an over-packed suitcase.
The really interesting thing, because we haven’t been able to free-range carbs for almost six years, was that Pam was starting to think “the pantry” about every ten minutes and after an hour, we were back in there picking out something else, because she got hungry. She picked the potato puff thingys and she and Jackie ate a sack between them while they played cards. They’re mostly air.
Pam made good, healthy breakfasts every morning (almost) with eggs and bacon or sausage, but one morning one of those bread seagulls was screaming at her, so she made fried egg sandwiches! Oh my goodness, what a treat, but like throwing a fried egg sandwich at a couple of seagulls by the sea, it attracted more seagulls! Pam thought, “Hmmm some corn chips would be nice to have with this delicious sandwich! Mine, mine, mine.”
Then the next morning as she was frying sausage patties, the English muffin seagulls called from the pantry, so, you guessed it, she served English muffin fried egg sandwiches.
She managed to make a serious dent in the pantry over the seven days she was there! She doesn’t have a clue how many carbs she devoured, but she gained six pounds in the week! Her pants hurt and her bra is bugging her with the same intensity as the seagull voices.
Let this be a warning to all of you who are on a low-carbohydrate diet, your body gets into fat burning mode when you cut out the carbs. When you bring them back in, it confuses your brilliant body and it sends out alarms that something is really wrong, which it is (every processed carbohydrate is poison). When your body thinks something is wrong, it goes into fat storing mode. Pam is walking proof of it. Besides she feels lousy!