Last night I was touched by the testimonial “I want to live!” If you have never been in that situation you may not be able to grasp the surge of power that comes with this statement.
When you finally have reached the absolute bottom and you think there is no place to go, there is always two more places. You can give up entirely and be planted six feet under or you can scream out for help and start pulling yourself up! The difference is you have to get mad and scream and not give up.
Anger is not a bad emotion. As women we have been taught to just take it and not explode with anger. Exploding with anger is rage and rage is not OK, but giving yourself permission that you are upset and angry is a good thing and telling the person who you are angry at. When you keep it in it is like poison. So what do we do to ourselves? We turn anger into sad and we feel sorry for ourselves for being mistreated. Then WHAT? The anger goes to sad and then to depression. We eat to make the hurt go away or we sleep to not have to deal with what is!
It is all our perfectionism again sandwiched with that procrastination that paralyzes us into depression. I can see you all shaking your heads at me. “How can perfectionism be the foundation to my feeling bad.” Well here is how it all fits together!
When something goes wrong in our lives and we can’t fix it; what do we do! We can’t fix it to make it right again or we can’t change the other person; we want everything back the way it was!! Do you see the perfectionism rearing its ugly head? We do everything in our power to CONTROL THE ISSUES! And make it all better! Only to be shot down time and time again! So if we can’t do it right what do we do! We were taught to do nothing!! I wish that was all we would do, but we have to turn it inward to abuse ourselves.
When we are unable to fix things we begin to feel guilty because of our inability to make things right or perfect! We then start to beat ourselves up! So we activity punish ourselves. It is bad enough when we have been abused by others but now we are abusing the only person that cares for you: YOU!
This is why anger is good! It is focused toward someone else and not yourself. Now it is not good to be angry all the time because that reduces your adrenalin and causes your body to attack itself in immune deficiency diseases. If you are always in fight or flight mode when you really need to scream out for help you will not be able to.
Adrenalin is an amazing body chemical. It is a power surge that supplies the energy right when you need it! This is how a mother can lift a car off of a child. I have said it many times, “Too much of a good thing can be bad for you!” Try eating a whole chocolate cake!
I have a good supply of adrenalin now! At one time I was totally depleted of my resources. I used them all up by always being upset and walking on eggshells. The adrenalin kept me from feeling what was happening inside my own body. It was a drug! It masked even the most regular pain of monthly cramps. I never had a discomfort until I became calm and peaceful. In other words the stress was not continually pumping adrenalin into my body. Now this was an amazing thing to realize when I felt them for the first time. I actually celebrated having cramps. I will never forget it.
Just a couple months earlier I had reached that bottom I was telling you about! I knew I was going to die and I wanted to live! I reached out for help and was able to scream even if it was ever so quietly that I chose life. I allowed someone to help me! In my perfectionism I had never wanted help. I could do it myself. But I really could not. I didn’t even know what was wrong; I just knew I didn’t want to die! And I was going to die if I stayed in the situation I was in.
So anger can free you if you use it sparingly! Focus your justified anger toward what is making you angry and not at yourself. Do what you need to do to take care of the situation. Don’t turn it inward to punish yourself when you can’t fix it! You are not responsible for anyone but you! Let go of the guilt, pain and stress and be good to yourself by getting angry at the right person! Then let it go and get on with your life! Because you have a job to do! You may not know what it is but you choose life too! And if you stick around God will send the breeze your way and you will set out on your journey. Life is a journey not a destination.
So what anger have you been turning inward?
I love you all!
Here is the testimonial that was the God Breeze for my essay!
I Want to Live
October: a two year old, a newborn, a husband who worked late and 6 or 7 days a week and depression. More than once a day I told myself I wanted to die. I really thought about it, about how it could be an accident so my children would get my life insurance. I was sleep deprived, had to go back to full-time work after 6 weeks, going to school (a condition of my employment), had a mess of a house and out of control finances.
Then I got sick and I thought, this is it, I am dying now. After a week of feeling terrible and coughing I went to the doctors was told it was a cold, go home and rest. It got worse and I moved into the guest room so DH could sleep and when I was up coughing in the middle of the night I would think, “it’s almost over, I’m dying now, I can make it a bit longer”. I went back to the doctor three days later and I was told it was a bad cold, go home and take OTC medicine for the cough.
It was 4 days before I had to return to work, less than 6 weeks since I had my son and my employer called to confirm my return. I could hardly speak I was coughing so hard. She said I had to have a back to work note before I could come into the office. Went to the OBGYN for my 6-week checkup and he said no way would he extend my time off for a cough, it was unrelated to the delivery of the baby.
In the waiting room I was trying to read some magazine and don’t remember anything about it except your website and I remember how I tried, crashed, burned and failed when I attempted it before. I used my task list in my hand-held computer and tasked myself to the point where nothing got done. That night I got up when I was coughing and looked in the mirror, my skin was gray and my lips were blue, “not much longer” I thought. I went to the computer and opened up your site. I thought about some of the testimonials I had read previously and I remembered you and your escape from your first husband to save
your life and I got angry. Angry at the health care professionals that were ignoring me, angry at my husband for working so much, angry at my employer – a rage I can’t describe but for those who have been there, you know what I am talking about.
In the morning I showered, got dressed to my shoes, holding the wall because I could barely breath and called the doctors office told them I was on my way, I couldn’t breath and needed help.
I got there and they wanted all my information. I was coughing, trying to breath and find my insurance card in my purse and then I started crying, standing in front of the receptionist, I said “please help me” and two nurses came running. They put me on a gurney, put a blood oxygen monitor on, it was so low they didn’t believe I was conscious. They took care of my baby, gave me oxygen and took x-rays. Pneumonia in every lobe of my lungs. The nurse practitioner held my hands and said, “you are right, you could have died from this but you won’t”. Women I didn’t know were helping me.
As I was waiting for my antibiotic prescription to be filled I remembered the peace my home briefly had before I crashed and burned and I vowed to take control and get better with baby steps this time. I had to return to work but I made arrangements to work from home for a few weeks while my strength came back. I took naps, I went to bed early and slept in the guest room if my DH wanted to watch TV. DH hired someone to clean our house weekly. I made my before bed routine and my morning routine and didn’t try anything else. My before bed routine was long, it took 3 hours but I knew if I didn’t
include make dinner and eat it, I wouldn’t do it. It included taking off my makeup, brushing my teeth and taking a shower. It took months before it felt normal but my routines helped me overcome depression and they forced me take care of myself. I was probably depressed and sick from not eating dinner, nutritious meals and getting enough
It’s been over 6 months. I tackled the laundry monster just like you said and went to the laundry mat. I have kept up ever since. I tackled my finances, shined my sink and added it to my routine. I don’t dread weekends anymore, no longer are they a laundry, dishwashing, shopping, cleaning marathon. I have time to take my children to the park and we walk there to get exercise. I have tackled my pantry, freezer, dinner menus, grocery lists and shopping. I take care of myself first and have lost weight, have nice simple clothes and wear my makeup. Dinner time is 6:30.
DH knows if he misses it, there will be a plate for him and he tries to make it home more often. I am working on my stinkin’ thinkin’ right now. Last night when DH was late, instead of getting upset, calling and nagging him, I did a hotspot drill, and told my 2-1/2 year old we had two cleaning missions in the master bedroom. She said, “yeah!!!” (oh the enthusiasm of a 2-1/2 year old!). I gave her the little flyduster and she said “it’s beautiful mommy, there is a purple flower in it”, and she danced with her wand as I did the window and ceiling missions. They were the first two missions I have done and I was so happy I had good tears in my eyes because what popped into my head was, “I want to live now”. Last night I realized I have not thought, “I want to die”, in almost six months.
My anger saved my life and sometimes that is what it takes. Thank you and the FlyLady team for being there every day with the email digest. I thank God for the breeze that made me see your website address at that important time in my life. Peace is returning to my life and one day, when my husband notices the changes, I will sit him down and tell him about my friend FlyLady and her friends who helped me save my life.
Love a Flybaby in Rochester NY