Dear Friends,
We come from a very long line of martyrs. This is a bad habit! It is hard for us to kick. Even when we think we have let go of our martyred attitudes, they have a way to reaching up and biting us. This can cause a whole new set of problems if we are not careful.
We don’t have to be the martyr any longer. I know this seems really strange, because we sometimes don’t even know it when we do this. We have always put everyone in our homes first; believe it or not this comes naturally to us. Here is how we can tell if we have let go of our martyrdom; when you make the choice to allow someone to put their needs in front of yours and we get in a bad mood over it. We have choices in everything and this includes being pouty and short with our family.
Sometimes what we are feeling is not just martyrdom; it can be anger at ourselves for not stepping up and saying what we really want. Since we don’t realize that it is anger; we can lash out at those around us. This is when we have a tendency to transfer the anger from ourselves to others. I want us to look at why we are mad in the first place. Here is an example. School is out for snow; the kids get to stay up later because tomorrow school is running on a two hour delay. You have taken care of everything when it comes to the children’s car pool and morning routine. It is quite simple really; everything just gets move two hours forward. But here is the part that you didn’t figure into the equation. Your morning routine has to be altered because of showers and breakfast; this is not something you realized at the time. So when you give your daughter permission to hop in the shower before you; even though you gave up that right; you still get upset. Not at your daughter but at yourself for not saying; I need to be dressed too this morning in order to get you to school. This is my responsibility on snow delay days.
What are you really getting upset over. We say it is because we are always last, but the truth may be that our perfectionism has reared its ugly head once again. We don’t like making mistakes that we should have thought of in the first place. Then the whole day begins to fall apart in our mind. We had everything planned then the plans got changed for what ever reason. We have a hard time converting to plan B. This is all because we did not put our needs into the equation. We are always putting everyone else first. Let’s face it; we are the event coordinator for our family. We have been juggling schedules for
as long as we can remember.
Now I want you to look at this from your family’s perspective. They love you! They want you to be happy, but they cannot read your mind. If you don’t tell them and share your burdens with them how are they going to know that you feel like you are always last. A few days ago there was an essay about being a pleaser. When are we going to wake up and realize that when you please everyone around you but you then everyone suffers! You know what we always say, “If momma ain’t happy; ain’t nobody happy. Your family wants you to be happy! They are willing to do what ever it takes to make you feel loved, but you have to let them love you! When you are upset and say you are feeling like you always come last then that hurts their feelings. Especially when you say it to them in anger or with that martyred attitude that we can throw around. I know they may be your feelings and sharing them is good; but I want you to realize you are feeling this way and take the necessary babysteps to stop this from becoming a full blown confrontation. They have you up on a pedestal for all you do for them; they are willing to help, but you have to say it. This is why it is important for us to take a few minutes to take care of ourselves. Your family does not know your sacrifices unless you tell them.
Life is one plan B after another. Our routines give us the foundation to help us adjust. We are also very creative people and when we don’t use our routines and understand how they may have to adjust, then we feel like we have lost control. We don’t always have to be in control; our perfectionism puts us in this place of always needing to be the one in charge. If we don’t have a routine then we don’t really know what our own needs are; do we? This is why we leave our needs out the equation. We are so used to being selfless that we have forgotten about ourselves.
I will never forget when I left my son’s father. The first words out of his mouth were, “but I’m happy”. Of course he was because I made sure of it to keep him from blowing up over the least little thing. Don’t fall into the trap of being the pleaser. Because in the long run; you are the one that is going to feel hurt even when it is your choice. It is up to you to tell your family what you need. They cannot read minds. This cannot be done with the martyred attitude either. You don’t have to do it all; even though you feel more in control when you do. Reach out and allow your family to reach back with a hug.
Martyred Attitudes Keep us from FLYing!
FlyLady
