Not long I was asked about a portion of a morning musing. Here is the clip.
<< I just realized something about myself. I am more apt to dosomething for Robert than I am for myself. Just this morning as he was going down to get the newspaper he asked if I wanted him to build me a cup of coffee. (we have one of those one cup machines) I told him that would be lovely and as soon as my cup finished I got right up and fixed him one before he got back from the mailbox (we have a long driveway). So we blessed each other with a simple cup of coffee. We could have made them for ourselves but what fun is that. >>
Here is her question:
I am 53, never married, and trying to dig out of CHAOS. Yes, it is very hard and not fun to be organized and spotless for yourself. Please address this more, as I and millions like I am, have no one to do things for, or to do things for us.
The feeling of Why should I bother, no one comes over here anyway, is not encouraging.
I told her that I would ponder on it for a few days. Well I have. Let’s say I have had some sleepless night just thinking about this and remember the times in my life that I was alone.
She is so right when she says that she has the feeling of “Why bother”! We have always been expected to be selfless. In fact we were probably beaten down as children because we just didn’t know how to keep our room clean. We were forced to do things for hours. It is no wonder when we got out on our own that we rebelled against any cleaning at all.
Well sweetie, we all deserve to live in a home that comforts us. It doesn’t matter if we never have anyone come over. You come home and this home is your sanctuary. I know when my home was at its worst, I was too. My home was just a symptom of the clutter that was in my brain.
I think that the straw that broke the camel’s back was one evening when my landlord’s mother had a head on car accident in front of my cabin in the middle of nowhere. She was hit by some joy-riding drunk teenagers. The boys fled the scene of the accident into the deep forest. My landlord’s mother grabbed the girls arm. They were both bloody and they hiked up to my driveway to my door. I had to let them in my messy house while I tried to get some cold rags to put on their faces. I called 911 and the emergency crew came along with the sheriff’s deputies. It was getting dark and they were searching for the run-aways in the forest with the dogs. The deputies escorted me home to make sure they were not hiding in my house. They opened by back door and immediately pulled their guns. They thought my house had been ransacked by the kids. I had to tell them that it was not them. This story got published once in a magazine and my mother-in-law could not believe that I had ever been that messy. I had to tell her that it was the truth.
That summer I was very depressed; I could barely get up in the morning. My laundry was the original Mt. WashMore. Dishes were piled high in the sink and I was a total mess. When I look back at those times; I can hardly believe that was me. It was then that I knew something was wrong and I needed some help to deal with my depression. I wanted to live.
I had suffered through a depression six years earlier and I could feel myself falling into that pit of darkness again. I used all the same old excuses; no one ever comes to see me, why should I bother; it is just me. Now that I look back on this with eyes that can see clearer now; I recognize whining and a cry for help.
I deserved to be loved and if no one was ever going to do this for me then I was going to have to learn how to love myself. Loving myself is the hardest thing that I have ever done. But with this love has come some of the greatest rewards.
I got my smile back. I found that I could be content to be alone for the rest of my life. I quit even thinking about my second husband. He was just an eight month mistake. I began to be thankful for even that mistake because it was because of him that we moved to North Carolina. I didn’t know why God had brought me to this wonderful place, but I was determined to stick around and find out.
I had no clue what was in store for me. It was not until I got rid of my clutter (physical and mental) that I discovered my mission in life. I am so thankful for all of those rough roads that I have had to travel. It is those bad times that help me to guide you. I believe with all my heart that each of us has our own personal mission and as long as we are surrounded by clutter that we will never find it.