I Choose What I Have Learned

Dear Marla,

I experienced great shame, when my once successful life fell into chaos. After I began FLYing, I fell back into chaos, repeatedly. I experienced greater shame, admitting that sometimes I still love, use and need chaos.

When distress, insecurity, and doubt trigger fear, I turn to chaos. I need the tension of disorder, to distract from hurt. I use procrastination and crisis, to isolate from the vulnerability of love. Chaos’ exhaustion, I love most of all. Too tired to choose, I escape the struggle of decision and change.

Although I feel enormous peace when I FLY, for many years, chaos was the only protection I knew. Chaos was the only truth I trusted. Chaos always kept its promise to shield me from life’s challenges as nothing else could. I believed in the safety of chaos.

The way I react to life’s problems, is learned. What I do not know can make me tentative.  Can FLYing protect me? How do know I can trust the promises of FLYing? Do I believe praying for a God Breeze is safer than hiding in chaos?

Chaos is learned. FLYing is learned. Mere words are not enough to create belief. Real learning is in the repetition of action. It is the baby steps, taken again and again, that shift my reliance from chaos to FLYing. Habits are the practice of love. Gratitude builds faith.   Trust is realized when my heart opens to a new truth about myself.

There is no longer shame in admitting that chaos is still tucked away, in a dark corner of the closet. I accept this may not be the last time I encounter chaos. I understand, why chaos returns to me and why I return to chaos.

A fall into chaos does not mean I have given up FLYing. It simply means I have more to learn. In each baby step, I learn to trust the promise of FLYing. Is praying for a God Breeze safer than hiding in chaos? The God Breeze is safer, FLYing is safer, when I learn to believe that it is true.

Susan M. Lamonica

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